“What should we do today?” I groaned Saturday morning around 9. Although every day is a free day, I hate staying in bed past 8. It must be a subconscious effort to convince myself I’m not lazy or depressed.
Jenn & I lay in bed in an air-conditioned room already feeling lethargic knowing the heat would soon have to be faced.
We had good intentions starting the day – we planned to go to the orphanage and attempted to actually go. Until the usual morning difficulties beat us down.
Negotiating a taxi is an art – and neither of us had the stroke that morning. Bargaining is a game of laughter & teasing the price down to something reasonable. After the first few attempts we knew we were doomed; neither of us felt like laughing at constantly being charged the steep Obruni price. Insulting the driver, calling him a bad man, doesn’t help either.
A traffic jam on the way home pushed us further off schedule – we thought maybe a wreck caused it, but realized it was just a gridlock of stubbornness and no traffic laws.
We grabbed our iPods for the 2-5 hour trip (depending on traffic, how long it would take the tro to be crammed with sweaty bodies, and how fast we wanted to walk). One last stop at the ATM for a few Cedis and we would’ve been ready, had the ATM been working. We could’ve walked two miles to another ATM, but it was already 11, giving us only a few hours to play with adorable African kiddies.
Well… (exhale). I wanted a GHC .50 cup of coffee, but the café didn’t have change for a GHC 5 bill.
I’ll never understand the lack of change in some countries. In the US coins are so unnecessary and abundant they can be dropped, trashed, or hoarded for years without use. A $20 or $50 bill can be used to pay for anything – no matter how small. In other countries sellers would rather lose a sale than come up with change. Banks here give me attitude for asking them to break the $20 their ATM doled out.
I’ve learned to avoid the shops that will take your money and tell you to come back later for change. They are not trying to cheat the customer; everyone abides by the honor system. If I returned later for my GHC0.60 it would be handed over without question.
(I have been cheated only once)
Jenn came to the rescue just before a meltdown, “Let’s make a mockery of everything that gets on our nerves.”
In less malicious terms, we wanted to impart our business knowledge on the entrepreneurs of Accra.
I watched her order a coffee and the woman refused to make change for the 5-spot. Jenn explained that the internet café upstairs owed her GHC 0.50, so she could just transfer the debt to the cafe. Honor code, right? Her look told us to leave.
After not having coffee we went to enlighten the taxi drivers. “Tsss tsss,” we hissed for their attention. This is not rude – it’s like yelling ‘hey you!’ I can’t use it to address anyone but taxi drivers though because to me it still sounds demeaning. Taxi drivers are part of the reason I dislike Accra.
We spent some time haggling with taxi drivers, trying to negotiate ridiculously low fares. The mockery here is of the exorbitant amounts they charge Obrunis. I’ve been told it’s not racism, just taking advantage of a business opportunity by taking advantage of foreigners. Somehow the rule about not taking advantage of customers didn’t make it into the textbooks here. I found that a few ‘Ohh my bruddah’s, some Twi bargaining phrases, and offering my hand in marriage helps a lot.
It was time to move on to more rewarding ventures. We gathered worldly possessions we could part with to try trading it for new crap at the market. Armed with bug spray, deodorant, Immodium, candy, Pepto Bismol, and a false identity as volunteers (students are assumed to be rich here), we dodged the angry taxi drivers and hopped on a tro-tro.
Markets are always a little overwhelming for me. It’s been hard to do much shopping because the constant ‘tsss-ing’, grabbing, and bargaining - and the piles of everything from smoked fish to super glue bombard my senses.
I tried to focus on each stand individually. Shoes – digging for a matching pair in my size through a mountain of smelly, worn, mate-less soles – too much effort.
I glanced at stands of bags, dresses, African curio – all things I’ve seen before and learned to resist. Then, like a mirage, I saw it; a brilliant stand of African herbal remedies.
The signs, mostly misspelled, identified the magic pill for any ailment you could imagine. Medicine is something to appreciate here. Someone suggested I go to a clinic that specializes in bumps. Any bump, they can take care of it. The billboard has pictures of the most hideous lumps I’ve ever seen. Tumors, growths, rashes – my cyst was not even worthy for this place.
Back to the stand.-
The remedies available were mostly to cure sexual disorders. I’m typing this directly from the drug fact sheet I received. Warning – this could be inappropriate for some readers:
Develop the Breasts – Increase in the size & firmness of breast which will attract good men to you.
Vigina Tightener – A drug which narrows and tightens the vaginal mucus membranes. This decreases the size or width of vigina.
Viginal Itching – Localised microbial infection on the vagina, which makes scrape and out of the vigina of the woman.
Sexual Weakness (Man Power): Weakness of man during sexual intercourse, the weakness can be lack or reduction in sexual appetite; if the penis weak soft in the vagina during the act, this is treatable (come and see us).
Early Ejaculation (Long Journey): is where the man releases very early, during sexual intercourse before his partner, and also leading to a big disappointment on the part of the woman. In short the female remains sad.
(hahahahahahahahahahahaha)
(remember – this is the medical diagnosis – not my own)
Super Aphrodisiac: He is whish increases the sexual appetite it also increases and reinforces erection during sexual intercourse, it is real exciting.
Penis Enlargement: Increase in the length, width and thickness of penis; it become large strong and long. 10 to 25 cm
(no comment – seriously. I don’t use the metric system)
White Vaginal Discharge: A white discharge from the virginal of the woman, it’s a vaginal infection. Come early to avoid disgrace. This is your womanhood.
(C’mon ladies – your womanhood is at stake.)
Women Frigidity: Unable to obtain orgasm during sexual intercourse is normal. It’s treatable. Today is the answer to your problem.
(These guys really know how to sell)
Develop the Buttocks: Big buttocks attracts men.
(sold!)
Cures for more serious disorders are also available – please contact me if you would like treatment for diabetes, liver disease, typhoid, bed wetting, blocked horns…?
I bought most of my gifts there. That’s what I told the medicine man, anyway. My womanhood was at stake – was I supposed to admit the vagina tightener and vaginal discharge stuff was for me?
Jenn & I both chipped in for the weight loss pills – we’re in this sinking ship together. He also suggested breast enhancers; no thanks, a-hole.
We were forced to pay with cash – he had no need for our Western medicine and didn’t see the irony in trying to trade candy for weight loss pills.
The rest of the afternoon we had no choice but to trade straight-up since we dropped all our coin at the popsicle stand.
The bug spray was a hit since malaria is kind of a big deal. One woman thought it cured stretch marks too (not sure where she came up with that) but we didn’t dissuade her, hoping that would be the selling point in exchange for her wooden salad tongs with carved animal handles.
A few bracelets and a backpack later my t-shirt was drenched with sweat. I had accomplished enough in this day and deserved a nap.
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